Got any more Homerisms? Send them to me! Newest ones at the bottom.


From now on when people get wood, they'll think of trojans.

I am so smart. I am so smart. SMRT, I mean SMART.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose—it's how drunk you get.

Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike—you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss!" Number three, "It was like that when I got here."

Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!

Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: A dinosaur!

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please Superman—help me!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy.

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.

(Praying) Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy bidding will be done.

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Internet! Is that thing still around?

Trying is the first step towards failure.

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.

You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college.

America's health care system is second only to Japan...Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?

A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.

If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?

Bart, you're saying "butt-kisser" like it's a bad thing!

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.

Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos.

Here's to alcohol — the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it, anyway.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.

If God didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

Can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch my self in two places at once.

Good things don't end in "eum," they end in "mania" or "teria."

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Stupid risks make life worth living.

How come the bear can crap in the woods and I can't?

I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood.

Stupid T.V. Be more funny.

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

It is better to watch things than to do them.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Now I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking.

Let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.

I may be naked and reeking with panda love, but I have my dignity.

I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun!

I've seen plays that were more exciting than this! Honest to god, PLAYS!

Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep--in a blender.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

D'oh! Nuts! -- Mmmmm Donuts.

First you get the sugar - then you get the money - then you get the power - then you get the women.

There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!

Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a q-tip!

Marge:  Homer, there's a bird on your head!
Homer:  I know, he's grooming me

Africa! They're bound to have food there

Marge: Homer, give me my pepper spray!
Homer: But Marge, one spray and you're south of the border. Mmmm..... Incapacitating

(Looks at goldfish) Mmmm... unprocessed fish sticks

English! Who needs that? I'm never going England!

MY GOD... your greasy! (episode where homer sells old grease)

Homer: I'll never drink another beer.
Beer Man: Beer Here!
Homer: I'll take that.
(approx. quote)

What are you going to do, release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Marge: Mr Burns said if you don't come in to work Friday, don't bother coming in on Monday.
Homer: Woohoo! 4-day weekend!

Save me Jebus!!

Homer: I can't drink beer anymore?
his liver: YAY!!
Homer: Shut up liver! (punches liver). Oww, my liver

Now, before we start negotiating, I want you to know that I am desperate and will accept any offer you make!